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Gerald Ford
Gerald Ford was such a great President that he didn't even need to be elected. He was married to Betty Ford, a true American lady who really knew how to have a good time. Despite claims to the contrary, Ford never, ever fell down. Not even when he was learning to walk at 14 months. He simply got up on his own two feet after pulling himself up by his bootstraps, and stayed that way for the rest of his life. Soon after learning to walk at 14 months Gerald Ford killed his first bear, he did not kill it with traditional methods however, rather he said to the bear, "DIE!" and it did, proving that all living things succumb to the overpowering will of Gerald Ford. Football Career Gerald Ford won the Heisman Trophy while playing football at Michigan, in a game against Ohio State his senior season Ford managed to rush for 452 yards and scored 13 rushing touchdowns despite only running the ball 12 times. After the game Ford told reporters, "I AM ALL THAT IS MAN." Ford would later test positive for having extreme amounts of testosterone in his body, levels that are only matched by Jesus Christ. This knowledge serves as proof to the Branch Davidians that David Koresh was God, since Koresh lyingly told his followers that he was the son of Gerald Ford. Ford ended his career at Michigan by running for over 25,346 yards and 456 touchdowns in just two seasons as starting half-back for the Michigan Wolverines. At the time of his banishment from the NCAA Ford held every single record in College Football that suggests a player is good, even records at positions he did not play and in sports that he merely attended as a member of the student body. He also made a 124 yard field goal. Ford also amassed a total of 1,345 wins as a coach at Michigan, even though he only coached one game. Ford would return to Michigan in 1991 as a member of the highly touted recruiting class for the basketball team, he was joined by Chris Webber, Juwan Howard, Jalen Rose, Jimmy King, and Ray Jackson. Ford as President Gerald Ford succeeded Richard Nixon in the White House when Nixon decided the country was best left in the hands of Ford, whom many considered to be the greatest American, outside of Jesus Christ. Let it be known that this was before people truly understood the powers of Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush. During his presidency, The Earl of Freedom had two assassination attempts against him, occurring within three weeks of one another. During the first attempt, while the gun was firing, Ford created a viable design for cold fusion and developed a plan to end world hunger and disease, but the plans for both were lost when a bear ate them. Ford then killed the bear and skinned it, using it as a rug and having sex 39 times on it before laughing at the bullet, stopping it, turning it around and shooting it in the opposite direction, killing his assailant. During the second assassination attempt, Ford slapped Rosie O'Donnell and Gloria Steinem in one swift movement, of which the resounding shock wave from Rosie's fat ass stopped the bullet, striking Steinem in the titty. Upon this fortuitous coincidence, Ford responded: "NICE." While serving as president Ford traveled back into time and counseled Thomas Jefferson during the Louisiana Purchase and even served the role of Clark on Lewis and Clark's expedition. He also made sweet love to Sacajawea on the journey. Ford's time machine also proved helpful for him to go back in time help out the Kennedy boys during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Ford also shot the Archduke Franz Ferdinand to help Woodrow Wilson start World War I. Perhaps Ford's greatest accomplishment as President was diplomacy in Vietnam, where he led troops into battle and killed the bear loving and freedom hating Vietcong. During the Vietnam War Gerald Ford won the heavyweight title from Cassius Clay and defended it multiple times under the name Muhammad Ali. Ford would lose the presidency in 1976. Ford was angered by the fact that the liberal media, including Dan Rather did not appreciate what he did with the country. So Ford rigged a voting machine that gave the election over peanut farmer, Jimmy Carter. In his autobiography, Gerald Ford: My Life Standing Up Tall, Killing Bears, Playing Football, & Sex, Ford admitted he lost so that a terrible president could precede Ronald Reagan and the Americans could appreciate Reagan more than any other president. He also mentioned that he once had a threesome with Jacqueline Bisset and Raquel Welch while eating an ice cream cone. Ford's Post Presidency: C-SPAN Prank Caller After leaving the office of the Presidency in January of 1977, Ford would often call up the White House and Prank call the President. Two examples of this are as follows: *Jimmy Carter:Hello, this is President Carter *Gerald Ford: Yes, this is the electric company, may I ask you a question? *Jimmy Carter: Well, I suppose you may, go ahead. *Gerald Ford: Is your refrigerator running? *Jimmy Carter: Actually I turned it off a while ago, to help conserve energy. *Gerald Ford: Oh...um...let's see. uh...BOOBS! (Ford hangs up) *Bill Clinton: Hello, this is President Clinton. *Gerald Ford: Yes, Mr. President, I am looking for Mervyn Wall. *Bill Clinton: I'm sorry he is not here. *Gerald Ford: Well then is Joseph Frazier Wall there? *Bill Clinton: I'm sorry, he is not here, in fact there are no Walls here. *Gerald Ford: Then what holds the roof up? *Bill Clinton: Gerry is that you again? *Gerald Ford: No...it's Jimmy Carter, I like peanuts. (Ford hangs up) On January 27, 1990 decided he would add to the list of prank call targets, and decided to crank call a live call-in show on the public access cable channel C-SPAN. Ford's first prank call came on Brian Lamb's program, it went as follows: *Brian Lamb: We have Gerry from Michigan, Gerry you're on the air. *Gerald Ford: Thanks Brian, I'm a long time listener and a first time caller, I really enjoy your program. *Brian Lamb: Thanks, your question please. *Gerald Ford: President Bush has deployed our troops into Kuwait and Iraq in hopes of thwarting Saddam Hussein's plan to take control of Kuwait and their take advantage of their oil. Is Bush being a humanitarian in saving Kuwait or is he simply trying to take Kuwait and their oil for himself? *Brian Lamb: Well Gerry this is a complex question. You see President Bush is... *Gerald Ford: PENIS!! (laughs, then hangs up) As you can see, Gerald Ford is a master of the crank call to C-SPAN. He makes it seem like he is going to ask a serious question, then he interrupts by shouting a word that refers to the male sex organ. A classic sneak attack that has been duplicated numerous times since. Audio tapes of Ford's most notable prank calls to C-SPAN are on file at the Gerald Ford Presidential Library in Michigan. Ford's Arch Nemesis .]] As is true with all things, there is another power that is as powerful as Gerald Ford, this is of course the evil power Francois the French Communist Godless Gay Grizzly Bear. Gerald Ford and Francois the French Communist Godless Gay Grizzly Bear have faced off several times and neither has come out victorious, their only battle was July 15, 1914 and despite being only 1 day old Ford was never knocked down. Ford was unable to throw a punch, many, including Howard Cossell, suggest this was the reason for the draw. Ford also has waged personal vendettas against Brian Lamb, Dan Rather, and Jimmy Carter. The Death of a President Gerald Ford died in the year 2006 at the age of 104 after being run over by one of his cars, which was in an uncontrollable roll down the steep slope of Capitol Hill. His body will likely be pleated with gold, silver, and emeralds and then shot into the Sun. Most likely, numerous monuments will be erected in Ford's honour (note exquisite British "U"). Legislation is already in the Senate to change the Washington Monument to "Ford's Giant Schvantz" and the Pentagon to "The Gerald Ford Center for World Domination." Additionally, all interstates will be hereby known as "Fordistates," inciting major arteries such as I-90 to be further known as F-90. Ford's bust will also likely replace all 4 of the presidents currently on Mount Rushmore. Little Known Tidbits * Until the time of his death, Gerald Ford was the holder of the Ronald Reagan Oldest Living President Award. When he died, the honor transferred to George H. W. Bush. Even if Jimmy Carter is older, it doesn't matter, because no award bearing the great name of Reagan will ever, EVER be held by a Democrat. * Gerald Ford drove a Chevrolet, not a Ford. * Gerald Ford's Best Friend Forever (BFF) was Bruce Wayne, who many know as Batman. * Gerald Ford owned 109 Dalmatians, and named 4 of them after Dick Nixon. * Gerald Ford's favorite television show was Ted Nugent's Spirit of the Wild. * Gerald Ford made multiple sex tapes with multiple partners. The tape of his threesome with Jacqueline Bisset and Racquel Welch is in the National Film Registry. * Gerald Ford's favorite singer was Barry Manilow. See Also * C-SPAN